Hunting for change

October 28th, 2014 · ·

(This blogpost expands on a number of tweets I published this evening)

I've been looking for change all my life I think. Not actively. Or sometimes more active than at other moments. I've never been somebody who values status quo or who gets stuck in habits. I rarely get up at the time each morning, I'm not bothered when I get to lunch at 1pm instead of 12:30. I don't have to take the car to work each day, or I have no problem with skipping my daily train routine for another route or transportation option.

Not sure where this comes from, but I'm kinda always on the lookout for new things. For example, I quite abruptly switched from .Net consultancy and programming to iOS development. This wasn't easy, you know. A whole new platform, a new language, a new way of doing things. But at the time I was given the opportunity to do this, and I took it with two hands. It was time for something new. Time to learn new things, time for change.

The downside seems to be that my head is almost always full of ideas, things to think about or stuff that I want to do. The additional downside is that these ideas/things/stuff are very personal (and most of the time related to coding, to be honest). The hard part is that it's hard to apply the same virtuosity to other areas which might be able to use it. For example, I find it hard to put any time in improving our house, or even think about it. It's not that I don't want to (who doesn't want a nice house to live in?) but it feels like most of the time I cannot be bothered. A sort of apathy which I have for certain things but not for (a few) specific others.

By the way, this also happens in conversations. I can genuinely start a conversion, but get "bored" in the middle of it. It's absolutely not intentional and it (most of the time) is not even the fault of the people I'm talking to. But it is entirely possible to enter a "looking for a fuck to give" state without even knowing it myself. And then the conversion ends, and then I'm left thinking: I could have asked that or that. But I didn't. It's not that I don't like the conversation. My mind just wanders off and then I'm fucked. (Told you I'm strange. Didn't I?)

And so my head seems awful full. It's not easy to find peace and quiet on the inside. This tweet by @bluecrowbar quite nailed it:

I feel like that all the time. It's not like I'm actually always working. I can spend the whole night on the couch trying to get anything done, which doesn't work out except for browsing Facebook or Twitter, telling myself I'll be doing this or that in 5 minutes (ah yes, procrastination, my friend). But I just don't do relaxing very good. I hardly make time to go out for drinks. I never go see a movie. We don't have a TV in our house and while I can watch TV on my iPad I hardly ever do (except for occasionaly binge watching of some Netflix series). I've tried gaming too. Mostly can't be bothered apart from the occasional spikes. I've been meaning to brew some beer but found no way to make some time for it. The little bit of intentional relaxing can be - wait for it - coding. Not because I have to, but because I can. Try things out, learn new stuff. But don't put me on a couch with a beer to watch some telly: no sir. I tend to try to play a game of squash every week. That works, most of the time. I have to force myself to stop the thinking and focus on the game, but in busy times I found even that hard.

There's just so many things I want to do or try or see. And people to meet, talk to, learn from. But then there's life which comes interfering with any plans you make trying to make that possible. So many dreams to chase, so many opportunities to twart those plans.

So I've thought: maybe I should embrace life as it is. Just go along. Take it easy, just go to work, get it done, get back home and enjoy my wife and kids. Follow the flow. Do as Mike Lee apparently did, get off the interwebs for a little while or at least cut back. Find your own tempo in the context of your family and friends.

I'm afraid that won't work for me. So easily bored, so hungry to learn more (in my limited field of work, to be honest. I haven't found the need to learn music, for example). So trying to do my job like it should. So trying to be likeable for who I am. Wanting to share the things I learn with other people (blogposts, teaching, sharing with coworkers) to make the world a better place even if it's only that little bit.

So yeah, always looking for change. Stay hungry, stay foolish, I guess. But sometimes, you're full. And the hard part is when to stop in time to clear your metaphorical stomach. I usually fail at that.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a new version of OSX to install because this current one is getting stale.